Nags : Fatigue

Reading several last posts in my blog, I realize that I nagged so much these month, haha. Things come and go so fast until I'm sure no one has my whole story of everything that happened to me these days. Remembering that I always update my story to a person that I believe so much, enough describing how fast things change. To me who is not that flexible to changing, these moments can be so stressful.

Sometimes I can be so bothered about the reason why things around me happened. For example, when I feel uncomfortable in my society, I ask myself why people can be so unaware to the person near them. How could they don't care, why so self-centered. Things are so distracting these times. Like, when I'm still in my preparation for several things, world keeps rushing me and when I think I'm ready, everything's went away; like, why it's happened, and what Allah is trying to say to me.

As a person who often listen stories from people, I get to know more why people can be so annoyed only because of things that we think unimportant; because it's not that easy to be objective to see our own problems. Suatu masalah akan berbeda apabila dilihat dari orang yang mengalami dan orang yang mengamati. I once read, kita membutuhkan orang lain untuk menjadi mata elang dan melihat masalah kita dari ketinggian; dari sudut pandang yang lebih luas. Sedangkan, kita berada di dalam kondisi yang sulit untuk melihat sesuatu dengan lebih komprehensif. From that, we should know that sometimes we need another perspective to see our problem. The most important thing for me, is to take a break from thinking the problem, so we can think about it clearer. Sometimes, I hate myself for being too emotional, because it was so tiring (which not all of my friend realize that I can be that way). But now, I can accept myself more for being emotional because it's normal to be one in several conditions, denying it will make us stressful instead, as long as we got the line.

I'm not sure what I'm trying to say, but; good luck, self!

Midnight Self-talk

I think it's true that as we grow up, it's more difficult to be a perfectionist. Beside the condition itself won't let us to get everything easily, maybe the universe want to teach us to be more tolerant and less arrogant. Oh, and the most important is to accept ourselves. As we grow up, the variation of pressure in life is increases. If we have the breakdown of the society, it will give us so many variables that can provide their own pressure (depend on how we deal with it).

You know, is it just me or everyone ever had a feeling that they are different from their society. So sometimes they like to keep a distance because they feel uncomfortable nor unaccepted. From other's point of view, they may look independent and strong, but sometimes it's not because they really are. The feelings like, people are just too frustrating: talking nonsense, walking with their chin up and hand on their hips...but you still have to respect them for the sake of manners, even when your sincere apologize is replied by satires. I think I have been too naive all this time. I know it's a little too late to be slightly evil to several parts of life. I hope this isn't arrogance, but yeah sometimes that's how it feels.

Phew. Time flies since the first day I started my college life. It's not easy to keep them balance: good grade, organizational life, family-me time and keep myself reasonably sane while dealing with those.

Instead of grumbling in the way to class let's just smile and promise to ourselves that we can do better in everything, day by day.

Rest is in jannah.

Life is Weird

Beberapa minggu ini saya menemukan bahwa lingkungan sosial dan masyarakatnya memang begitu dinamis. Beberapa orang yang kita kenal bertahun-tahun bisa berubah dalam sekejap tanpa kita sadari bagaimana itu terjadi. Beberapa orang berubah, sebagian menjadi lebih baik, sebagian terjengkang ke sisi gelap masyarakat, seperti hedonisme atau konsumerisme. Bisa saja sahabat yang kita kenal baik dan ramah bisa berubah drastis menjadi tukang gosip yang cuma bisa membicarakan laki-laki taksirannya— laki-laki dan wanita di bagian hidup sebelah sana sibuk duduk berdempet-dempetan sementara seharusnya kita sibuk meredam-redam perasaan. Aneh rasanya ketika kita tetap, atau setidaknya tidak sadar akan perubahan. Aneh rasanya duduk dan menontoni kehidupan, kita akan diberikan kenyataan-kenyataan yang tidak pernah kita bayangkan sebelumnya.

Terkadang kita menemukan beberapa kenyataan pahit yang terbungkus ilusi manis, seperti beberapa orang yang dekat dengan kita karena formalitas saja lalu enyah ketika kita butuh pelukan atau keluarga yang hidup dalam interaksi hambar, pulang pergi seperti kerja sif-sifan. It's kinda weird, you just don't want to do anything. It's kinda weird, you just don't want to meet anyone, isn't it?

I don't know what kind of feeling it is, critical, selfish or anything. Saya benci seseorang yang keras kepala, acara televisi yang menjerumuskan remaja, tren-tren yang membuat orang menjadi konsumtif, anak muda yang cuma bisa protes, orang yang memperlambat kerja orang lain, umpatan-umpatan tidak penting di sosial media. Saya benci ketidakteraturan, ketidakbenaran, ketidakjujuran. Nyatanya semua penyimpangan tersebut ada dimana-mana. I'm not a perfect angel without any mistakes, I'm just annoyed with that things. Ditambah lagi kebencian itu bertambah ketika orang-orang terdekat saja terjerumus ke dalamnya. Maybe this is why sometimes I love books more than people. I don't like people in school, I don't like people in society, I don't like home.

Saat kita harus menjalankan suatu hal yang bukan kewajiban kita. Namun di sisi lain hak kita juga tidak terpenuhi. People change, people manipulating, people lying, people stealing, people leaving. Orang-orang mengartikan Tuhan dengan analoginya sendiri, beberapa menjelaskan keajaiban Tuhan dengan nalar dan terkena skak bidak sendiri. Dunia ini aneh, atau mungkin orang-orangnya. Tapi saya juga bersyukur, jika tidak ada keanehan-keanehan tersebut kita tidak akan belajar.
 

Saya mencoba berpikir rasional dan tidak menyalahkan secara sepihak. Saya pun mencoba berpikir menelusur ke belakang dan saya sadar bahwa apa yang orang-orang bilang itu benar. Kehidupan dan masalah akan semakin kompleks seiring bertambahnya usia kita, bukan cuma usia kita yang semakin bertambah dan masalah kita semakin kompleks, tetapi juga usia dunia semakin bertambah dan otomatis kehidupan didalamnya semakin rumit.

All we have to do is just be grateful. I know this is life, but this is exhausting. I wanna find my society—my life. Dunia tidak sebaik yang saya kira—dan lebih jahat dari yang saya bisa bayangkan.